I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
