can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
