it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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