I think i peed on brittanys purse
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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