Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
