Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Drunk is not a location!
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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