mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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