To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
