Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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