No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
