I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
