The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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