He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
