True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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