Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize