Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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