theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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