I accidentally burped into my bong.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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