i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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