My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Boobs are out for the taking
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
