My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
