I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
