The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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