my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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