seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
