I'm eating all of the evidence.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize