i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
