sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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