He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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