how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
