I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
