I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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