we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Randomize
