I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
