when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
