I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
