I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Come back. Shots need mouths.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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