I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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