Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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