You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
