Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
