Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
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