Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
