All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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