we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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