I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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