All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize