I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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