My first STD was from a foam party
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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