Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I want a musical about memes.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
