yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
