Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
