I just threw up on my dentist
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
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