i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
