theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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