When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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