____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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