I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Come on in and take your pants off
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