You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
