I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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