tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
